The Outlaws

The outlaws were here. Not one , Not two , but all 55 of 'em. And in droves they arrived, like some kind of mad mass migration nay ..a jail break of sorts.
It seemed like the entire continental shelf was empty. The "Raj" it seemed was back but hey I was lovin every moment of it.
It all began with a sibling and her infamous exploration into Getty but that’s not the story to tell.

Isnt it true that the indelible impression left behind on most souls, barring the immutable few insensitive inward looking egotistical egomaniacs (yes dear hobo this is in ref to you ) the lowest common denominator of impressions on almost every member of kith and kin on either side are the only true hallmark of the aliens that land on your turf.

Well the dust of the baratis hasn’t settled as yet, and the "barat-roos” (due apologies to socceroo’s) are still humping (perhaps) and jumping across much of northern plains of the "Wright" side of the hindu kush, but I can dare say that the out-laws from down under can drink mate!!

And by jove they did - Not one , two or three bottles but a whole crates full of it. Never have I seen so much drunk by so few. Loneliness poets aver spurs people into drinking and I can solemnly testify that if nothing else continental loneliness has exponentially increased the capacity of these blokes by the barrel. I suppose if the land is cursed to peace, prosperity, stability and a sound social security then you 'ave nothing to look forward to except the drink m'ate.

Maslow got it all wrong - at the top of the everstian pyramid of needs are not actualized souls but beer guzzling blokes. I have never personally graduated to the sloshness, the candor, the divinity, the nonchalance, the carefreeness (due apologies to Unilever Plc) induced by the nectar of the gods, but I suppose reading the confessions actualization as a stage is perhaps only a pint away.

If in a very warped sense of darwinianism survivability depended on the capacity to gulp down breweries of beer, I suppose the only ones left would be the aussies down under. And us Desi's, barring dearest eM, would be the first amongst the proverbial Dodo's.


So there they were, the Wright family for the Wright occasion with the Wright set of clothing, finally all, well almost all, on the Wright side of the equator.

Little did they know that the tamasaha about to be enacted had been 12 months in planning, 31 years in budgeting and about the 2000th year in re-production. The longest running play isn’t any broad way musical but the great Indian wedding tamasha.
And they do be party to it.

We do make all of them Jiju's, Sala's, Phopha's, Saandu's, Behnois', matas, pita, putra dance to our puranic finger tips. And we do record all their embarrassments - in Technicolor.

In hindsight I understand why most would have drank so much. No sane person, and that just about leaves out a billion or so of us out of reckoning, could in his Wright mind see so much spent, nay see so much cash burnt, in so less a time for chaining two to proverbial eternity of sexual depravity (7 janamas or so as the purana's have it…. Imagine having sex only with one person for next 500 years...well to be fair my last 29 years have been a "dry" run but hey I could still get lucky in the next 461 years.. If only I could get you to the closest thekha my dearest eM ).

The other observations when you meet with these angrezi speaking firangs once you get over with their accent, the pigments and their blondness is the ease with which the wit flowed. Blame it on our colonial hangover but I have to confess that Indian’s english is usually meant to impress, rarely if ever to convince but mostly to confuse. Humor if ever is rarely employed and when it is, can almost easily be misconstrued as a deliberate affront. The natural assertiveness of angrezi firangs lends them the ability to seize up any conversation and turn it into a witticism that is unparalleled.

Sample this
Me: G. Snr, I have a complaint regarding your speech.
G Snr: eh You have one my boy. (Pointing to dad and the half empty glass) Blame it all on them son, all on them.

Sample 2;
J: Is this where all the dreaded call centers are located.
Me: Yes mostly (apologetically pointing out all across gorgonian landscape) But if its any consolation they don’t spare us either.
J: Its not. But as you sow so shall ye reap.

Well not to be out done we Indians did have our paux's.
Sample the faux's...

Guide (as we were about to enter Jama Masjid) : Ladies (insolently pointing to their calves and some spaghetti tops) please cover your private parts before entering the shrine.

A eternally painful moment of embarrassment passed through every member in the bus. The Guide unawares carried on with the memorized banter that he had been fed.

Smaple 2:
Photographer (pestering the groom to sit still during the mandatory photography session): Please don’t shake during the marriage.
Mmu: Dont Shake now. Shake “after” the marriage.

If humor was a hallmark of the out-laws charm was another
As usual I had been the flag bearer of skepticism in our nuclear family (in more ways than one). All that however vanished in a moment.

Setting : "G Snr's" better half has just left the table for another round of the delectable gulab jamuns and "G Snr" is surrounded by swarm of us.

Me: G Snr, now that H has left the table, you are at our mercy sir.
G Snr: Mercy eh..A wonderful death it will be, a wonderful death.

I don’t know what happened, but there and then in a spur of a moment, as I soulfully gazed around, soaking in the moment as the soft mellifluous music filled the background, as the night grew bolder and the silhouette of people shadows danced around in the soft luminous light, people on round circular tables chatting and smiling at each other, wine glasses clanging to liberal doses of cheers being bandied about toasting the bride and the groom bringing people far and wide together, people literally and metaphorical bending backwards and forwards to pass on their felicitations. I soaked in the general feeling of bonhomie that pervaded the atmosphere. And there and then at that moment I realized was not one single out-law.

Only our in-laws.